What to say when someone tells you to lose weight


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When it comes to your body, people should keep their opinions to themselves. Here’s what to say when someone says you need to lose weight.

“I only lose weight for roller coasters, not for you.”

“I only lose weight for roller coasters, not for you.”

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Let your body make decisions based on your own personal goals, not those of others!

“Yes mother.”

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If you’re not ready to cope with decades of repressed intergenerational trauma, just nod and smile.

“You too.”

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Statistically, this is probably correct.

“Guardian!”

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If you banish your doctor to dungeon, he will think twice about making comments about your obesity and the future of the throne.

“Which link?”

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Whole body weight loss is too much to ask so make sure they specify which limbs to focus on for shrinking.

“Oh no! What will happen!?!? Will I die someday if I don’t? Oh no!”

“Oh no! What will happen!?!? Will I die someday if I don’t? Oh no!”

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Let them explain death.

“My body is only a vessel for the souls I receive while I roam the earthly plane, and yours will soon be added to the screeching crowd within me.”

“My body is only a vessel for the souls I receive while I roam the earthly plane, and yours will soon be added to the screeching crowd within me.”

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That certainly gives them something to think about when you digest them.

“Can’t we choose someone else to start the helicopter?”

“Can’t we choose someone else to start the helicopter?”

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Your train will be hit by enemy fire, but your helicopter will not be able to take off unless one of you stays behind and relieves the load.

“I’m pregnant!”

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You’re not, but your asshole husband doesn’t need to know by now.

“I only wear a couple of coats.”

“I only wear a couple of coats.”

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Not only will you feel like an idiot for not noticing all of your layers, but you’ll also show off how rich in outerwear you are.

“Honey, come in here! He has just said his first words! “

“Honey, come in here! He has just said his first words! “

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These are the moments that you will always cherish.

“I ate the last person who told me that.”

“I ate the last person who told me that.”

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Defuse the negativity with a light touch, then show them the human hand you carry around that you call leftovers.

“For every pound I lose, I get an inch taller.”

“For every pound I lose, I get an inch taller.”

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The weight can’t just go away, it has to go somewhere.

“I have no weight.”

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If you are nothing, be proud of it and come right out there and say it!

“I might be fat now, but you will always be the guy who threw an easy 32-yard field goal in the 2011 AFC Championship.”

“I might be fat now, but you will always be the guy who threw an easy 32-yard field goal in the 2011 AFC Championship.”

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Remind the bodyshamer that they missed the Ravens’ chance to work overtime and a shot at Super Bowl XLVI. “

“I’m Santa Claus, you fool.”

“I’m Santa Claus, you fool.”

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This is how you can make things super embarrassing at Christmas.

“Four points and seven years ago …”

“Four points and seven years ago …”

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If the Gettysburg address helped ease Lincoln post-Civil War tension, then why can’t you use it in your daily life?

“K.”

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Both a strong message of self-acceptance and a great way to end the conversation.


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