The guy who writes confusing parking signs explains body autonomy

Hello, I’m the guy who writes the parking signs for every major street in America. I know that I’m doing a great job, so parking is often a smooth and easy process for everyone.

However, there are bound to be people who complain that the signs are “confusing” or “filled with bureaucratic pitfalls”. I don’t know what’s so confusing about parking after 8 for two hours pm every day, which changes to a one-hour park time on the third Tuesday of the month, but sometimes there’s street cleaning during the waxing part of the moon phase. Not my fault you didn’t check if the moon is waxing or waning!

Anyway, I know things have been a little bit crazy with the economic recession, police brutality and the Supreme Court overturning of basic human rights and all that, so on behalf of the government and the Mega corporations clarify when exactly your body belongs to you.

In the evening when you are home after work

America is all about personal freedom. Your body is all yours during this time. wanna cartwheel Recreate Hugh Grant’s dance from Love Actually? Are you eating that parmesan that got stuck in your hair that you initially thought was a strand of gray? Continue. Your body is yours—but technically, so are Facebook, Amazon, and Google.

Your autonomy is important to us, that’s why we use your phone to monitor you and collect personal data to make sure you have a good time enjoying your personal freedom! Our technology pioneered the ability to scan your eyes so that at the slightest hint of displeasure, we can send you a paid advertisement to instantly cure your discomfort with an eleven-dollar Whole Foods cold brew.

Whole foods – we support your decision to shop with us. That’s why we have a store every two blocks. We want to make it easy for you to choose us and nobody else!

nights, after dinner

By “night” we mean 4 pm (a healthy dinner). At this hour, your body is yours and yours alone. We are not an authoritarian government like Russia or North Korea – we are the land of the free! Do what you want with your body. However, if you decide to have sex with a partner after dinner (if they’re the same sex as you, that’s perfectly legal — for now!) and you get pregnant, you’re legally obligated to carry the baby to term.

We know it can lead to devastating financial or medical complications, but as we always like to say, “When in doubt, obey the law!” It doesn’t rhyme, but we don’t care.

days of the week

Your body is all yours. Except during business hours, when technically it also belongs to the company you serve – I mean, work for. We know the twelve emails you send between ordering a Sweetgreen Salad and picking it up could all be sent from the comfort of your own home, but you’re contractually obligated to be at your desk or standing in front of a checkout counter at least forty to sixty hours a week, or you just can’t afford your house, car, or gas to get to work.

We also believe that any lunch longer than twenty minutes or a bathroom break longer than a Pink Floyd song is time wasted and you have to pay the company back. Incidentally, this year we are introducing a new limited PTO policy to offset the cost of a billionaire CEO flying to Mars. So pick a friend or two that really matters and skip all those other weddings.

weekends

Hooray! work hard play hard That’s what all the throw pillows in your office say. Your body is yours on Saturdays and Sundays. Just make sure you carry around a sign saying you have no intention of protesting against the government or big business or we will have to arrest you. We’ve taken the liberty of writing down some sample slogans you could use to avoid confusion:

“Police WORK!”

“Boys in blue make my mouth drool!”

“Who do we love? The government!”

If you are viewed as a threat for any reason (e.g. if you look suspicious or transgender or melanized) then your body belongs to you, but also to the prison you are being taken to for an unknown amount of time. Don’t worry — you can leave any time you have sixteen thousand dollars in cash, seven different pieces of ID, and a limited-edition 1997 Tamagotchi. Thank you for your understanding! ♦

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